It’s been a good week or so since I last posted anything on here and for that I can only apologise. A nasty bought of flu struck me down for a week and then life got in the way, and then all of a sudden here we are. I’ve been trying to write this post all weekend but I’ll admit it’s taken me a while to figure out just how I wanted to phrase everything. I’m going to give it my best shot, so grab a cuppa and I hope you enjoy.
I do all my best thinking on long car journeys. Especially at night. I don’t know what it is about the road stretching away ahead of me, the lights shining in the distance and the music playing softly in the background but for me it is the perfect setting in which to have a good old think about life, love and everything in between.
Most recently, this little self indulgence had me considering who I really am, what really makes me me, and I’ll tell you something – it was an interesting journey!
If you know me IRL then you’ll know I’m feeling a little lost at the moment and have been doing for quite some time. While on the surface my life is fantastic, there is always a part of me striving for things to be better, berating myself for not having reached certain life milestones yet, and always feeling a little like I’m chasing my tail when it comes to work and my career. I work hard, but I know I can work harder, and I’m always second guessing whether what I’m doing is right or whether I should be doing something else instead. I worry about not being a good enough friend or a good enough daughter, I worry about being a shitty person, whether I’m doing enough for the environment, why I’m terrible at saving money and how on earth I can stop myself from getting so irritated so quickly by people/things/life. There’s a whole lot of negativity going on in my head quite a lot of the time and I have the habit of dwelling on these bad things rather than taking into consideration the things that really do make me me.
For a very long time, I felt like I was defined by my mental health simply because my mental health took so much from me, changed the way I thought and felt, and had a huge impact on my life and experiences but it’s only with taking a step back and really looking at who I am that I realised I am made up of so much more than chemical imbalances and the worry of failure. Yes I might try too hard but surely the ability and want to try in the first place is inherently a good thing?
So here we go, here are some the things that make me ‘me’. A non-exhaustive list if you will:
I care, often too much and too deeply. I want to be liked. I try to be a good friend but I think I fail. I love dogs more than pretty much anything ever. I carry a book with me everywhere I go because the idea of not being able to escape into another world at any given time terrifies me. I still can’t sleep without my comfort blanket. I collect Harry Potter pop vinyls and mini figures. I am a proud Slytherin. I miss my pony so much. I fall in love too hard and too fast and I love too deeply and will never learn but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have 12 tattoos (if you count my sleeve as one) and constantly crave more. My mum is my best friend. Nothing has been the same since my dog died and I miss him every single second of every single day. I would do anything for the people I care about and while I might do a terrible job of showing it 99% of the time I hope they realise how much they mean to me. I’m pretty neurotic about a lot of things. I’m an anxious mess a lot of the time but I’m working on it. I probably try too hard in most aspects of life but I will never give up. I’m determined and focused. I can be selfish but I’m working on it. I’m not afraid to own up when I’ve messed up and will always try to put it right. I’m terrible at texting back. Youtube is one of my favourite creative outlets. Colour and pretty dresses in my wardrobe scare me but I love them on other people. I draw for me and its one of my greatest escapes. Beginning this blog was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I’m proud of myself. I’m learning. I’m doing my best.
So there we have it. I’m the sum of more than just my mental illness and my faults, there are positives in there too and I need to remember this more when I’m hard on myself. Feel free to leave some character traits of yours in the comments so I can get to know you better, and if you think I’ve missed any off my list let me know!
Wearing:Lounge Suit: Femme Luxe* | Socks: The White Company