I think as small children we all look forward to the time when we will be ‘grown up’. Whether that be a teenager, so glamorous to us back then, or whether that be yearning for adulthood and getting away from the authority of school and parents, we all dreamed of the day when we’d be able to do our own thing, be our own person and start forging our own way in the world.
Then as adulthood kicked in, perhaps we realised that it actually isn’t everything its cracked up to be, and if you’re anything like me you possibly long to have your teenage years back again regardless of how frustrating your parents could be or how much you hated school.
I feel like I am one of those people that is perennially unhappy and to be quite honest with you, it’s starting to do my head in. I was so desperate to grow up, now I wish I could go back. While I know that’s not possible, instead I set my sights on new goals to achieve whether that be more stereotypical life goals like buying my first house or getting married, or more personal goals like reaching new milestones in my career and with my blog.
My problem however is that I can never really see or embrace those achievements. I work so, so hard for them but then once they arrive it’s like I brush them off instantly and I’m already focussing on the next target I want to hit. It’s frustrating – I never give myself the time to see how far I’ve truly come, instead I’m so fixated on the future and striving away for those goals that I forget how to live in the present or how to actually enjoy life for what it is.
I think a lot of this comes down to my utter fear of being a failure, and that in turn comes down to the issues I’ve had with my biological father since I was a young child. I have this hideous obsession with trying to prove my worth to the point where often I probably come across as trying too hard and end up achieving precisely the opposite of what I set out for. Its one of the aspects of my personality that I’m trying to work on the most at the moment because I think being able to not only criticise ourselves but also praise ourselves and be proud of what we are doing and have already achieved is such a crucial trait to possess. After all, half the time confidence is key to getting what you want. You wouldn’t hire an assistant who was too scared to tell you their past experience in an interview, and a director wouldn’t cast an actor who was too scared to deliver their lines in an audition – so why should any other successes come your way if you don’t have the confidence to go out there and hold your head up high and shout “this is me and I deserve this!”
In a nutshell I suppose this is what I’m trying to do these days – I’m trying to believe in my own worth to achieve my successes, but also to take a step back and enjoy the process along the way. My life has been so up in the air these past few months, but in between the stress and the drama there have been some beautiful moments where I’ve been able to take a step back, be in the present and just appreciate everything I do have and where I am in my life. I don’t want to rush through the next 10 years and suddenly be nearing 40 with so few memories from my twenties and thirties because I was too busy pushing myself to achieve and forgetting to live my life along the way.
Here’s to more time away from the blog and Youtube, to holidays taken from work just to enjoy the nice weather, here’s to weekends without my phone and evenings spent with my parents. Here’s to new friends, old friends and everything in between, to making an effort with the people in my life rather than just behind the screen. Here’s to more gigs, more festivals, more memories made with the best people, and here’s to the successes I’ve already achieved and the ones just around the corner.
I’m ready to welcome change into my life now, and I’m ready to welcome happiness, love and successes as I continue to work on myself to become a better person. This is what 2018 is all about for me and hell, I’m so excited.
Dress: Oh My Love London | Shoes: Zara | Sunglasses: Alexander McQueen
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