Would I even be me if I didn’t name blog posts after each new The 1975 release? No, no I would not. *patiently waits for October & the release of Music for Cars*
Continuing with The 1975 theme for a sec (humour me) – I find it weirdly coincidental that the band that’s potentially changed my life the most (it’s a toss up between them and Enter Shikari at this stage) release new music every single time I’m going through some pivotal life change.
Their first album coincided with a break up, new job and whole life overhaul. Their second album coincided with my move to London, and apparently their lead single off the third album is coinciding with my decision to move home and all of the crazy, weird transformational stuff I’m going through right now.
I mean, at least it gives me some sort of warning I guess. Now I’m wondering what October has to bring…
Anyway I’ve hugely digressed from what I wanted to write about. Essentially the new song is called Give Yourself a Try and this felt strangely poignant for me because that is exactly what I’m currently attempting to do for myself.
I promised I would go into more detail this week about my decision to leave London and what lead up to it. I have discussed this in my life update video which you can watch here, but for those that prefer the written word perhaps you should grab a cuppa because this could be a long one.
I’ve been unhappy for a long time. A ridiculously long time when I really sit down and think about it. I’ve touched on it in a few blog posts this year (here & here) but haven’t really gone into proper detail. There’s a lot of stuff in my past that I’ve held on to for a very long time – some of it literally since childhood and as I’m getting older I’m having a hard time coming to terms with some of the things that have happened to me and my family.
From assaults, grief, bullying, and death to homelessness, myself and my Mum have been through it all together. I admire both of us for our strength and resilience when it comes to being able to dust ourselves off after every knock back – I know for a fact that I wouldn’t be half the person I am today if it wasn’t for my Mum and I have a lot to be grateful to her for. She’s an amazing woman, a pillar of strength and one of my greatest inspirations in life.
This post isn’t here to list all the problems I’ve had though, and it isn’t here as a means for me to wallow in self pity either. I realised a few months ago that things had started to weigh down on me far more than is healthy. At first I couldn’t put my finger on the problem – I wondered whether it was work or London or even my relationship making me feel like this but as I continued with my therapy for my anxiety it became clearer that in actual fact it’s my inability to let go of the problems I’ve faced that is getting me so down.
I never really got to enjoy my teen years and the first half of my twenties have been pretty much the same – defined and controlled by my mental health issues and exacerbated by the very problems I have identified as needing to fix. I had the epiphany whilst visiting home last month that I simply can’t continue to live like this as all it’s doing is making me more and more unhappy. I don’t want to take that negativity into later life – I want the chance to make happy memories and live life to the full instead.
I want to learn more about my own personality as I bury a lot of myself for fear of being rejected or made a mockery of. I’m excited to learn more about the person I am, and the person I want to be. I’m excited to see the direction this takes me in, and the results it’s going to have on the rest of my life. I realised I need to allow myself to be happy before I can attract the things I want into my universe. I want to be a good person, a kind person. I want to be a good friend and neighbour, a good daughter and hopefully one day a good wife and mother too and therefore I need to give myself the best fighting chance at this.
2018 is the year I’ve moved mountains with my mental health so it’s time to finally vanquish my demons for once and for all. Its time to give myself a try.
Top: New Look | Leggings: Zara | Sliders: Laundry Boutique