I wish I was taller. I wish I was skinnier. I wish I had a different jawline and a smaller nose. I wish my hair was thicker. I wish I had more confidence. I wish I didn’t have trust issues. I wish I hadn’t made as many mistakes as I have over the last few years. I wish my thighs were smaller. I wish I was younger again so I could do things over and change the person I am now. I wish I knew what I wanted. I wish I knew who I am. I wish I felt loved.
I wish I still had inspiration and that my creativity hadn’t run dry. But right now I feel the least motivated or creative than I have in so long. Part of me wonders if I even want to write this blog anymore, but then the rest of me wonders what I’d do without it. I’m scared of that possibility. This blog has defined me the last 18 months. It’s been the one constant source of inspiration, the one goal I’ve had, the one thing that’s kept me going throughout a strange period of my life when I honestly didn’t know which way was up. Coming home and writing this blog kept me centred. It gave me a goal, it gave me a reason to keep going, to keep striving for something better.
But now I just don’t know. I think maybe I’m just tired. I’m exhausted commuting four hours a day. I want to spend my weekends with Michael without having to worry about blog shoots or filming for YouTube, I just want to enjoy my time away from social media, away from my job and away from feeling any sort of pressure. I want to sleep, to go out and have fun and laugh again. I so rarely laugh anymore.
2016 has been a year of upheaval for me so far. It’s also been a year of change. I moved home, today I handed in my notice at work and in four weeks time I will join the ranks of the unemployed until I find work for myself in London and finally make the biggest change of my life so far. I can’t wait to relocate. London is the only place that makes me feel alive and maybe then my inspiration will come back.
This is not a break, or announcement of a hiatus or anything. I will continue to blog because I don’t know what life is like without that anymore, but I want to blog without pressure. I want to do posts away from the constant ootd’s, I don’t want to look like every other blogger anymore. I want this blog to resemble me more, I want it to portray myself as a creator now. No longer just a blogger.
I’m so much more than that. I’m a writer, an artist, a dancer and a dreamer. But none of this shows.