Uh oh. ~honest~ post coming up from me tonight guys. Full of what could only be described as word vomit. And ‘I just have a lot of feelings’. And also ‘this is the first time I’ve typed without acrylic nails on for four weeks so let’s make the most of it’.
That crazy weird industry where we’re all just kinda floundering wondering what the hell we’re doing, how we all fit in, is my latest selfie good enough, how did that girl afford the latest handbag, why did I not get picked for that campaign, wait a minute HOW HAVE MY BLOGLOVIN’ FOLLOWERS GONE DOWN AGAIN, and most of all – why do we enjoy doing this so much?!
I would be the biggest liar in existence if I said that part of why I have this blog is not for validation from others. Of course when I post what I like to think is a particularly great set of pictures, or a nice outfit, or an interesting opinion piece, I want to hear nice things from you guys. Of course I want my following to increase. Of course I want to collaborate with more brands and hell if I got offered to write my blog every day as a full time career I’d jump at the chance. It’s my hobby, my passion, my brainchild and where I come to relax and de-stress.
I moved flats on Friday and I’m still without the internet (EE you are an absolute angel for inventing your 4GEE Wifi box, it’s all that’s keeping me sane right now) and the fact that I can’t freely update my blog or my YouTube channel whenever the mood takes me is so frustrating. What’s more frustrating is that the minute I don’t post for a few days because #life my page views plummet, my followers vanish and I’m left wondering what the hell is wrong with the internet that I can’t have 4 days break because I’m MOVING HOUSE without everyone getting bored.
I want to keep posting content because I love creating the content in the first place, and when I think back to when I started blogging it wasn’t for the huge following or the glittering social media career (although given that was always a perk and a pipe dream) it was for the love of putting these outfits together, taking the pictures and then writing about it on here and sharing my love of it with you guys.
This year has been a funny old year for me – I’ve gone from feeling comfortable and living at home, to basically falling in love and losing myself and my blogging mojo along the way, to being totally heartbroken, to leaving home and moving to a new city and feeling totally out of my depth in a job that 6 months down the line I still don’t feel I’m very good at, to being in a new relationship with a boy who lives hundreds of miles away from me and trying to wrap my head around the fact that I can’t just see him whenever I want no matter how much I’d like to, to moving flats again and living with a friend. It’s been so up and down all over the place and much as I didn’t want it to, my blog has had to take a back seat, and in that happening I’ve noticed that my following has ceased to grow in any particularly dramatic form.
Rewind a year and I was hitting at least 25 new followers on here a month. I’d rush home from work desperate to catch up on all the latest news on Bloglovin’, I’d take part in Twitter chats, I’d indulge in YouTube every day, I’d shop on Missguided all the time and excitedly film my new hauls for you. Now I’m lucky to get one new follower a month. I watch new bloggers setting up and quickly surpassing me in their numbers and I know this isn’t a numbers game but at the same time it is – for surely if people like what you’re creating it will reflect in your followers, your comments, your engagement?
Does this mean people aren’t liking what I produce anymore? I’ve tried so hard this year to improve my photography, my locations and my writing. I’ve tried so hard to stay true to myself, my style and my ultimate vision for this space. And yet is it ever really good enough?
Am I good enough?
Where do I fit in here?
I’m the social media executive who can’t even grow her own social media. How much of a failure can I be?
I know this is a massive rant that is probably going to piss off a lot more people than it entertains but I guess I just needed to get it off my chest and rant without a purpose.
My internet should be reconnected on Monday, then we can get down to business with the shoots and regular content again. For now, I’m sorry.