I am a misfit.
Not in the cool, hipster alternative way. I’m not the mysterious girl reading in the coffee shop, nor am I the artist – aware they don’t fit in but too absorbed in their work to care. I am neither a introverted musician, or even someone who just lives on the fringes of social groups.
I just don’t fit in. Period.
(Disclaimer: I’m not stereotyping any of the above – I know plenty of artists, musicians, and cool mysterious girls and they’re all awesome and all totally individual characters. I’m more romanticising the people I wish I could be in my head)
I have friends, don’t get me wrong. I have the best friends in the world at home, and when I’m with them I am completely, 100%, un-apologetically me. I don’t need to prove anything to them. I can say absolutely anything that’s on my mind without worry that they will judge me, they embrace my quirks and love me for the person I’ve been since I was a kid. They’ve been there through it all and I love them, but now I’m in Manchester and they’re all over the country and things are different now.
I came to the conclusion this weekend that I try too hard. I try too hard with my blog to fit in with the fashion blogger label. I want so much to succeed at this, to take my blogging further, to create content and write every day and yeah, you know what? I’d like recognition for it. I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t. I try so hard that I try too hard and what I’m writing isn’t me. I don’t stand out for the right reasons, and I don’t fit in for the wrong ones. Maybe I’m just not cut out to be a fashion blogger, maybe I’m supposed to just be a me blogger. And I’m starting to be ok with that.
Equally I try too hard to fit in at work too. I’m so desperate to make new friends that I think I’m almost making a fool out of myself. Editing my personality to try and fit in with what I think people want from me. I try so hard at work, and sometimes I wonder if I’m really getting results. I want to please people so badly and instead I seem to do the opposite.
So maybe it’s time, not to stop trying, but to stop trying to be something I’m not. I have to remember that my existing friends love me for a reason, and I’m so much more relaxed and happy when I’m around them than when I’m trying to be something that I’m not. I even enjoy writing these sorts of posts a little bit more than I enjoy writing my outfit posts, and perhaps that shows too.
So this is me:
- I’m 23 and I still sleep with the comfort blanket I had when I was a baby. This won’t change any time soon because I don’t want it to. I sleep better with it, so I want to keep it that way.
- I spend too much money on clothes and makeup. Way too much.
- I have a very strange relationship with food and my body image.
- I have depression and anxiety and a billion other things that make me a little bit neurotic ( but loveable, honest)
- I laugh too loudly and when I start half the time I can’t stop
- If I get hiccups I get them for about 5 hours at a time
- I was an international level competitive Irish Dancer for 10 years
- But since I quit, I hate exercise
- I have regular existential crises
- In my head I live a life like Carrie Bradshaw, in reality I’m a lot different
- I’d rather read a book than get drunk
- I have such a bad phobia of being sick that I can’t even have raw meat in my flat just in case
- I write lots and I live in my head always
- I get stressed too quickly, especially if I can’t find something to wear
- I’m a little bit too in love with Matty Healy and The 1975
- I am obsessed with my dogs
- I spend 90% of my life on social media (its my career) and I’m still not convinced I’m very good at it
- I also doubt my abilities all the time (and my commitment to Sparkle Motion)
- I like to drop in random movie quotes at any given time (see above)
- My American accent is horrendous
- I’m a massive Harry Potter and Tolkein fan
- I’m a dreamer
From now on I’m going to be me. Always. And unapologetically.