It’s a funny old world isn’t it, the blogosphere?
I started LJLV almost a year ago now, and in that year I have changed so much as a person and a blogger it’s almost unrecognisable. I think, when I first started this little online space, I had no idea who I actually was but maybe a small inkling of who I wanted to be. I wanted to feel worthy, I wanted to feel a part of something. I wanted people to respect my opinion, realise that I had something to say, that my words were important and that I, as an individual was not the total waste of space I spent nigh on 20 years believing that I was #daddyissues.
Beginning to style outfits and write daily posts took over my life. I was still training 2 hours a day 7 days a week for dancing as well and my life became one huge blur. I felt like I was thriving under the pressure, itching to get home to write my next post, shoot an outfit or two, write a review or simply spend my time reading other blogs. My following started to increase, I had brand and PR collaborations beginning to filter in, and when I got invited to my first blogging event I was so unbelievably happy that people were finally starting to take me seriously, I finally fitted in somewhere. I felt like I was part of something. I always get like this when I start a new hobby, I completely and utterly immerse myself in it, and then I burn out.
Recently, I’ve felt like I’ve been enjoying blogging less and less. Not in an ‘I don’t want to do it anymore’ kind of way, more of a lacking inspiration and wondering where I fit in in the grand scheme of things kind of way. I cut my posting down to three days a week so that I actually had time to breathe, see my friends and have a life on top of my work schedule – and in doing so my views, comments, PR collaborations and event invites have completely dried up. It’s almost as though if I’m not working myself to exhaustion, I’m not good enough. And I don’t like that.
And I think that’s why I’ve started to enjoy blogging less.
I would absolutely adore to be able to do this full time. To run my blog and my YouTube channel as a business, to spend every day creating content and really allowing this blog to become what I know it could be, but unfortunately I don’t have that luxury and therefore I need to work. Working full time and blogging is difficult, I won’t sugar coat it.
I come in from work exhausted, having spent the last 8 hours staring at a computer screen and frantically trying to make my company’s social channels grow, I then come home and do the same with my own. It’s tiring. Sometimes, when I come home I want to do nothing more than curl up in my onesie on the sofa with a book and not look at another screen all day, and then I remember there’s a Twitter chat that night, or that I need to finish editing a video, or that it’s a blog post day.
I don’t really know where I’m going with this post, I think I just needed an outlet to rant. I don’t like negativity on my blog at all, I like to keep it a positive and happy space but I guess sometimes you just need to say what you need to say. Please, nobody take this as me being ungrateful for the opportunities that I have had through blogging, or that I want to quit or anything like that because that’s not the case at all.
I guess I’m just a bit sad that unless I’m working myself to absolute exhaustion, I don’t seem to get anywhere at all. But then, on the flipside, you get out what you put in. Maybe I just need to make more effort. Personally I think that my content and blog are looking better than ever at the moment, but that’s just a matter of opinion.
I’m off to get dressed, put some makeup on and decide what outfit to shoot today.
I’m down but not out.