IT'S OK TO ADMIT THAT YOU'RE NOT OK

Manchester Fashion Blogger
When you move your whole life to a new city, where you know nobody and have nothing but your job and your new flat, it can be a bit of a wake up call.
I was so ready to move. Like so ready. I needed out of Chester, I needed to be somewhere where things were happening, where there were good jobs and new people and places for me to explore. In my head, I entertained these fantasies of my new executive lifestyle where I'd have money to burn, I'd look glamorous for work every day and myself and my equally glam colleagues would be out on the town socialising and meeting people. I dreamed of contentment, meeting someone I could share my life with, I dreamed of finding what I've been looking for since turning 18. That feeling of belonging, of things being right.

Instead I have only two friends up here, one of which I see maybe once a month, the other I had a reunion with for the first time in almost 4 years last week. I look as glamorous as possible for work on my ridiculously tight budget and my social life is non-existent. This weekend I bought a house plant and a cactus, just so I was no longer the only living being in my apartment. I'm lonely, I go to work, I come home. I cook, clean, do the washing up. I write my blog, I watch TV. Maybe I go on a date in an effort to actually meet people but ultimately I'm on my own. And in being on my own, my old demons have returned.

When you tell people you've come off anti-depressants, you've left counselling, that you're feeling better, you both assume that's it. It's over. So when it comes back, what do you do?  How do you face telling the people that you're closest to that you're struggling again? That you're perpetually tired, that your love for even your blog, the one thing you were truly passionate about, has diminished? That every time you look in the mirror you're filled with such self hatred and disgust that you spend hours in tears. That you comfort eat in an effort to feel better but end up hating yourself even more for your lack of control. That the pressure in your head has come back so badly that some days you're in physical pain. That you have nobody to talk to about it because you don't want to spoil the happy time you do spend with your friends by being miserable and negative?  How do you tell them that the move you made 2 months ago with so much hope has turned out to be possibly the biggest mistake you've ever made?

You go home. You tell your Mum. And you cry. Probably a lot. I did this last week - I told my Mum everything. I spent 2 out of my 4 days at home in tears, I actually let myself truly admit how miserable I actually am. I told her all of the things that have triggered this downward spiral, situations both in and out of my control. I told her of my loss of confidence, how I can't even look in the mirror anymore. And she listened. She gave me the time and affection and advice that I really needed, and after 4 days with my family and my dogs, I came back to Manchester.

I'd love to say I came back feeling better, that everything is fine and dandy and that I'm now living the glittering life of my dreams, but I'm not. I mean I do have a houseplant and a cactus so it's not all bad, but it's not quite there yet. What I did come back with was the knowledge that actually, I don't want to let depression win. I don't want to admit defeat and move back home and give up again. I want to prove to myself, to depression and to everyone who doubted that I could do this, that I bloody well can.  I'm determined that, by the time my lease is up on my flat in November, I will be loving my life up here and I'll look back on this time and laugh that I could have ever thought things were so bad.

I also now, finally, feel like I know the direction I want this blog to take. I feel with more conviction than ever the style, the aesthetic, and the subject matter I wish to feature on here. I want to take it out of the realms of outfit posts and the occasional haul - although those will of course still be very much still in attendance on here. But instead I want to blog about finding myself, about my journey with Manchester, about my exploring this city with a strangers' eyes and finding my home, because this is my home now and I am going to damn well make the best of it, whether it's for the next 4 months or the next 40 years.

I'm not ok. But I will be. I will be ok.

28 comments:

  1. Girl this was heart breaking. I understand so many of these feelings so well and I know we ain't IRL buddies (YET) but if you need a pal to chat to then hit a girl up! xxxxxxxxx

    Lots of love, G x
    foxonthehunt.com

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    1. Thank you so much babe, honestly your comment genuinely made me cry but with good tears not bad ones! I was so nervous about writing this, and about being so openly honest rather than trying to pretend I'm ok like I have been doing - so thank you so SO much for being so supportive <3
      We'll definitely have all of the chats, and I also feel like we should hang out. Especially as our taste in restaurants seems to be pretty much the same (and I still need to thank you for introducing me to Filthy Cow) xxxxxxxxxxx

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  2. Ah this hurt my heart. Moving away from home is a huge step and the tight budget is such a pile of shite. I hope that your cactus and house plant has cheered you up and you can slowly inject some more happiness into your life to refuse the depression from winning! I know you don't know me, but I like to think the blogging community are quite close, so if you want to know me, chat & just in general purge maybe nonsense maybe not, feel free to hit me up. :) love Han xx www.hannahjanewilliams.co.uk

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    1. Awww thank you so much! Honestly writing this post was so cathartic for me to begin with, but having so many lovely comments on here and Twitter already has made me feel so much better. This community is honestly incredible and knowing I have the support and friendship of so many people that I can reach out to really helps me feel like I'm not alone <3

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    2. I love doing that with a blog posts, sometimes I never even send it. You're right about the alone thing, because there's always someone out there who wants to listen and help. You're lucky that you have the added bonus of a blog! Regardless, keeping doing you power on through and be that woman you set out to be! X

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    3. Very true! Honestly thank you so so much for reaching out to me tonight, I appreciate it SO much and likewise I am always here to lend an ear should you need it! xo

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  4. This was such a great post Lucy and it's something I'm so glad you shared because a lot of people can relate to this topic. From what I've read on your blog , I can tell your a determined person and so I know that you'll be able to work through this and all your readers will be here to support you.
    Also, if you want someone to show you some cool little spots in Manchester, I'm your gal! I love exploring Manchester and finding hidden gems so feel free to dm me whenever!
    Sarah x
    http://www.saraheliza.co.uk/

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    1. Thank you so much babe! I'm working away a bit over the next few weeks but once I'm back to normal we'll definitely arrange something! xo

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  5. I really feel this post. I like seeing more personal posts on blogs sometimes because it's honestly amid the hauls and such (even though I love them). I'd love to read your blog and future posts about your times in Manchester, and I hope you will find some happiness :)

    Emma | ohflowerchild.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and support - it honestly means the world to me <3

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  6. Humbling and written from the bottom of your heart. I will always be here as long as there is a breath in my body supporting you and helping you through sweetie.Stay strong there is a light at the end of the tunnel and happiness & love waiting for you. Love you xxxx

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  7. First, all the goddamned hugs because I feel this, and you need them. I feel this so so so so much. But you're such a strong, brilliant human being and it the whole new place thing oh god i know no one, gets easier. It does I promise. You're so determined, and it's a brilliant start to go back with a mindset that you want to win. (You can, you so totally can.)

    Also I'm bringing the biggest bar of milka I can find when we meet because milka is the bomb and so are you.

    Lots of love and hugs and I'm excited for your future and the future of your blog even if you're not feeling that quite yet.

    Fii xo || little miss fii

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    1. Thank you babe, thank you thank you thank you <333 Can't wait to see you soon, love you!! <3

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  8. I can completely relate to how you feel! Although things improved after living in a different city for some time, it really was a shock how alone you are all of a sudden. I started to suffer from anxiety again, even though I'd felt better for years. It's good to see someone brave enough to write these feelings down. I hope things get better for you! Just give them time x
    eleanor's adventures // UK Fashion & Beauty Blog

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    1. It's so reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who's gone through this and that you can relate! I really hope it starts to get easier for me soon, I love my little flat so much I just want to love everything else up here too! xo

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  9. You've got me tearing up---darn it I just want to give you the biggest hug in the entire world! You might feel the flowers in your heart are dying, but I promise they will bloom into something beautiful. Pinky promise~ Everything will be okay just like you say! Whenever you feel lonely just know you are never alone---God abounds us in the deepest of waters <3 I'm always here to talk too! I'm nowhere near as great as a cactus, but word around town is I don't bite~ Sending you all the good vibes I can muster <3
    xxx
    She Will Be

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    1. Thank you so much honey you honestly have no idea how much everyone's support since I posted this means to me <3

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    1. <333 Would be lovely to see you soon!

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  11. Lucy you are so strong and you deserve all the happiness in the world. Stay positive, you'll get there xx

    www.ohjanuary.blogspot.co.uk

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  12. Lucy, I don't even know what to say honestly. I want to start off by saying that you are amazing. What I have come to know of your personality from your blog and the brief conversations we've had that you have an amazing soul and you're stronger than what meets the eye. You really are even if it might not seem like that sometimes. Remember that you're not alone, you have yourself; you always do. If that's not enough then you have an amazing community of bloggers that love and support you and I'm proud to say that I'm one of them. I cannot even begin to imagine what you're going through and I probably won't ever but I know that you're strong enough to fight the demons that have started to torment you. Even if you have nobody around that shouldn't give you an excuse to be unhappy. You're so strong Lucy, I know that and you know that even if you feel like you're not. You're beautiful, you are fucking gorgeous and you're too strong and gorgeous to let this come near you or tear you apart because you are way way more than that.
    I'm with you, always.
    Zoha x

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    1. Thank you so much babe, seriously thank you <3

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  13. This is such an honest post that must have took a lot of strength to write. I to have suffered from depression for a very long time and I know just how much of a struggle life is when things are bad. It sounds like you are a very determined person and want to fight this illness and live the life you want. I hope that you start to feel better soon, I know you don't know me but if you ever wanted to chat I would be more than happy to listen I might be able to help or offer some advice.
    Take care and all the best.
    From Kelly.
    glenka@hotmail.co.uk

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    1. Thank you so much for such a lovely comment - I'm really sorry to hear that you've suffered from depression too but I hope that you're feeling much better now and living a happy and fulfilling life! <3

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  14. lucy! been away and just read this post! I've struggled really badly with similar problems, although in different situations to you but i really understand how you feel. I really hope things look up for you, perseverance is also key and don't let those negative thoughts control you, its horrible i know. I'll hopefully be moving to Manchester/Liverpool area in a few months so we will be able to have a huge catch up!! xxxxx

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    1. Aww babe I had no idea! I hope that you're feeling better now, and you know I'm always here to talk to if you're not!
      Ahh that's amazing, we'll definitely have to have a catch up soon! Miss you! xxxxxx

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